Inadequacy
Last night, in the deep silence of the loneliness which is my bed, I began to think about a conversation I had with some friends. The conversation involved the opportunity to go away for a weekend out of town to a holiday party sponsored by my employer. The scope of the holiday party is designed to where people and their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend can have a night of food and dancing and the following morning go out to see some sights and entertainment while the ladies shop at the outlet stores and perform a Jane Jetson and spend their husband’s / boyfriend’s money.
In one way, I am expected to partake of this weekend even though it is not formally required of me to do so. However, I looked at my singleness status and my current lack of a girlfriend and that is deeply influencing me not to go to this party and enhanced my frustrations at relationships deeper.
My friends told me to ‘well just go and ask somebody’. When I heard these very obvious words, I immediately tensed up inside of myself just to hide the internal shaking that took place after hearing these words. That monster of rejection is like the biggest brick wall that I feel incapable of climbing over or even worse; it feels like the stone that Sysphius was cursed to roll daily to the top of the hill but eventually tired out and never made it to the top.
I fought the feelings as I drove the S-10 home listening to the baseball game on the radio. Continuing the fight, I tried last night to not think of this head on by watching the Vikings-Saints game last night until halftime. It was during watching the game that one word resonated within me to the point where I had to shut the television down and try to deal with it head on.
Inadequacy
The word made me think about my current state of being and some hurt of the past and the more I thought about them, the more inadequate I felt. I had even got to the point where I began to name all the things I felt that I am or would be inadequate at from relationships, being a future husband, being a future father, a model employee, a believer in Christ, a decent son, brother, cousin, and nephew, a loyal friend, a brother in Christ, a leader, a particular spiritual gifting, my calling in life, etc. Resonating in my mind was the belief that I had either failed at, was insufficent with, or lacked the skills needed to be confident at these important responsibilities.
The thoughts echoed in my head until I got up at 2 AM and listened to ESPN Radio’s Todd Wright All Night ‘do the Tussle’ with the ‘assemblage’ (I love this segment of his show). That helped to ease the feelings for twenty minutes as I tried to get back to sleep, the feelings came back on me again and are still pounding in my head as I type.
However, I am thinking right now about a man in the Bible named Gideon who in Judges 6:12 was called by the Angel of the LORD a “mighty man of valor!” and was told in verse 14 that “Go in this might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Have I not sent you?”. Right now in the midst of inadequacy, I am responding to God, my friends, and my brothers and sisters in Christ the same way Gideon responded in verse 15 when he stated:
…Indeed my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house
Many times that is the humiliation, anxiety, and tenseness I feel within the church, within my core group of friends, within the inability to pursue girlfriend relationships, within social settings, on the job, etc. Within the inner battle of the hermit versus the lover, the recluse versus the dreamer, and the exiled versus the fighter; the magnification of the rejection, shame, ridicule, and scorn amplifies itself once again to rear it’s ugly depressing head. I have not gotten to the point of experiencing the word of the Lord stated in verse sixteen stating that “Surely I will be with you, and you shall (name your wishful conquest here)……”
Inadequacy is a tough personna to destroy because to eliminate it, I fear that I will have to further retreat from the public of the day to deal with it in the private of the dark night like Gideon did in verse twenty-seven when he destroyed the altar of Baal in the middle of the night in private instead of in the daytime in the public eye.
I then migrated the thoughts on a larger scale. I attend a very upscale church where the majority of the people who attend are upper middle class, have spacious homes in the newest planned subdivisions (that have more restrictions than the Bible), beautiful furniture, luxury cars, and appear to be secure in all areas of their life. The inadequacy hits me like the punch of a prizefighter as I relate this to my unique but humble place (with no restrictions) that is in the process of undergoing some home improvements that I nicknamed “Haven”, but feel ashamed to invite people other than my immediate family and closest friends to. It continues to the eleven year old S-10 that is still very reliable and I am still very happy with, the functional but not luxurious furniture that sits the rear ends of my closest friends, and to the constant insecurity I still feel (and on Fridays I shake constantly fearing termination of employment) even after being employed for six months in the mist of the previous two years of hell I barely survived (and some stated that I ‘deserved’ because I must have made God very angry, lacked faith, not put enough money in the plate, or disagreed with a televangelist).
All of this yearning for peace, confidence, and security in order to eliminate the Pentecostal Paranoia and Pentecostal Pragmatism experienced as a child where peace, confidence, security, and nice things were seen as idolotry and the root cause of spiritual stagnation. It’s not that I am very ungreatful. I am very greatful for what I do have. It just that I feel more inadequate, intimidated, and inferior in a Christianity where more possessions is usually equated to being more spiritual and less (or lesser valued) possessions is equated to a judgement of God’s hatred and wrath against them.
Right now, I will probably decline (rather politely) the invitation to go to the holiday party because of feeling inadequate resonated by loneliness. I would like to conquer the inadequacy but do not know how to go about it. The solution to the question is probably to ‘go and ask someone out’ but getting to the point of asking is very difficult for me for it brings on massive headaches and gives me nausea to where I physically regurgitate sometimes and internal shaking just thinking about it. But denial and not facing the brick wall head on will not defeat the enemy either.
Am I at the impasse or am I at the CROSSroad?
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Comments
{{{ Hugs }}}
I understand how you feel. It’s frustrating, and then the guilt comes because “you aren’t satisfied with where God has you NOW?!!??!”…quite a muddy whirlpool of emotions. I recently had surgery, and not much in the way of spare finances, so even my girlfriends have kind of abandoned me!
And the singleness part…frustrating. I know! All I can say is (hoping not to sound trite, because I believe this, and I do follow my own advice although I might whine first…) “Trust in God.” He doesn’t waste anything, including time we think is wasted, and hurts we don’t understand.
Finally, how dare people say you ‘deserved’ this!!! How cruel and untrue. That’s not God speaking, I’m pretty sure!
I’ll keep you in my prayers. {{{ Hugs }}}
wow, that was so awesome… in reading it, I sensed a huge clarity of vision that most do not have. awesome CROSSroad and discernment.
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